Is there anything so glorious as being in the heart of the Midland countryside during spring, a time when all around us Mother Nature awakens from her slumber?
“Green shoots are pushing through the earth, the sap is rising,” I told Colin over a frothing pint in the Bell.
“Not at all,” he blurted, colouring slightly. “I was just admiring the barmaid's St Christopher medallion.”
At twilight parishioners gather, some with deckchairs and flasks, to watch the Badgers romp, making the most of the ailing sunlight.
They live at Number 27 and have just bought a hot-tub.
Wildlife – myriad in our community – is definitely getting bolder. Last night our neighbour spotted a fox rummaging for scraps on his property.
They're incredibly cunning animals. The fox not only managed to swipe a pizza from the deep-freeze, but also had time to microwave it.
One can become too close to the beasts that roam our woodland, however.
Him-over-the-road has made the front page of our local paper after being mugged by a badger. ‘Man bitten by broc is comfortable,’ the banner headline trumpeted. He'd be a lot more comfortable if he didn't have 13 stitches inserted in his shin and buttocks, in all honesty.
According to the ‘exclusive’ report, he put out a plate of peanuts for the badgers every night. One evening he didn't and a snorting animal charged into his kitchen and exacted bloody revenge. Legally, he had to take the violence. If he'd hit the beast with a wet towel while pinned against the washing machine, he may have been charged with badger baiting.
The appalling scenario is a stark warning to us all – and something of a life-lesson. The lesson being, don't give badgers peanuts. The beautiful creatures have a place – and that place is either underground or burrowing for worms. Let them poke their snouts in your kitchen and you've got trouble.
It's also proof the wild animals around these parts are best kept at arms-length: even further away if you're trying to shoot them.
I'll never forget my father's words when, as a naive 16-year-old preparing for my very first day of paid employment, I asked for one piece of advice that would help me through adulthood. “Never stand directly behind a horse,” he said.
It's helped tremendously during those long hours at a computer.
The most harmless looking critters can be dangerous. Just ask Farmer Smith. He was KO’d by a pheasant. The bird fell on him after being blasted from the skies.
The rustic would've been alright, but the dog sent to retrieve the prone fowl got confused and dragged the farmer 15 yards along a gravelled country lane.
“I'm living proof that a swan can break your arm,” confided one neighbour. “Reaaaally!” I gasped. “Did it strike you with its wing and the bone just shatter?”
“No,” he corrected firmly. “I slipped on a great big dollop of its droppings while jogging.”
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