WITH a hand on my heart, I can honestly say I do not know what in God’s name I have done wrong this week. It was the ultimate punishment for poor Chadders. Okay, the pennance may not sound so bad to half of you out there - but for us men it was the marital equivalent to being sent to Siberia.
I was dispatched to Asda to do the weekly shop. What made it worse was that I was given a dreaded list... My hands are still trembling now at the thought as I sit writing this opus - I can hardly bring the sherry glass to my mouth.
Three and a half hours it took me. Mind you, getting into the car park these days, and finding a space, is harder than fitting a fortnights worth of rubbish in the bin. Everybody knows that men and supermarkets do not go together. You see them wandering around the aisles for days on end with a confused look on their faces and a crumpled piece of paper in their hand not knowing where the Dolce Gusto capsules are found.
I am sure the wife takes wicked pleasure in making the list as hard to follow as possible, lobbing in hand grenades along the way in the form of very cryptic entries - which I am bound to get wrong. Even when I am right, I am wrong. First of all every item on the list is located as far away as possible from the previous one. I am sure she chuckles as she writes eggs on the list between bananas and the onions knowing full well they are at opposite ends of the shop.
Us poor men - who are duty bound to do everything in order - are wantanly forced to trudge back and forth around the shop following The List to the letter.
But a succesful shopping trip also depends on the interpretation. For me ketchup is ketchup. It’s all the same. It comes in a bottle, says ketchup on it and is red. But oh no not to Madam and no matter which one I pick up, it will always be the wrong one.
But there is also the problem of modern foodstufffs which have thankfully passed me by. Take for example cereal bars which is alien in the extreme. Breakfast is either Cornflakes or porridge - Chadders does not do modern. It would be nice if a cereal bar was a pub that serves breakfast. But where do you find them - in the snacks bit, the cereal section or next to the underpants? Mind you I think all wifes do this deliberately so they can have a few hours peace and quiet. Anyway, upon my return I did pluck up the courage to ask Madam what I had done wrong. - only to be met with the answer “breathing”. She does not do sarcasm unless she is really angry.
Do you think it might be the fact I forgot the wedding anniversary? At the end of the day, it’s not that important is it? It is really only just another day of the year.
Mind you, I am going to make sure I don’t forget next year although I may not be sent again as I only came back with 10 bottles of Pale Cream, a loaf of bread and a packet of Cornflakes - I said I could not find half of it and the other half was out ot stock.
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