I thought about taking my wife out tonight, as a treat. One bullet would do it. Although we would struggle with the ironing, and one or two minor things like childbirth, I am convinced we could do without wimmin. Life would be so much quieter and cheaper. I heard Madame on the phone this morning utter the two words guaranteed to put the fear of God into me – Fosse Park. Thankfully, she has taken to going on these ostentatious excursions with her best friend Iris Angel instead.
This was after one particular trip when I fell asleep outside the Marks and Spencer changing rooms. It took her weeks to forgive me – but it was worth it. The problem with going shopping with women is thus. No matter how much enthusiasm we show, no matter what we say when our opinions are asked – men are always wrong.
Follow her around too closely as she ambles through the aisles and you are mithering her. Follow too far behind and you are not demonstrating enough interest. If you show too little enthusiasm for a particular red skirt (the 10th one she has held up today) then you are chastised for discouraging her from buying anything. And if you are over enthusiastic then you are being disingenuous. Or worse still, she will buy it, take it home and not wear it - and then blame you for buying it saying ‘I only bought it because you liked it’ even though you really hated it. She often said she would never come shopping with me again – but unfortunately it was normally a hollow threat.
One of the joys of living in Hinckley is that there are relatively few women’s clothes shops which is why Fosse Park took on such an important role in Madame’s life. Although I have been relegated to first substitute on these trips, it is still I who has to fund such forays of frivolity.
I sometimes wish someone would steal my credit card – the thief would spend less than my wife. Anyway, Madame’s trips have become more frequent of late due to the extraordinary proliferation of new shopping centres which are stalked by throngs of women on weekdays with nothing better to do. Within easy striking distance there are new developments at the Ricoh Arena, The Fort in Birmingham, Ropewalk in Nuneaton, Thurmaston in Leicester and The Rushes in Loughborough to mention but a few. Just how many more retail developments and branches of Next can we support? This is a heavenly time for my wife and fellow females. The rest of the human race are just nonplussed and penniless. Anyway, must dash and make plans as I am thinking of taking my wife out tonight… | 
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